October 6, 2006

• xextraextrax

  i can’t think of anything interesting, so i put together a bunch of real newspaper heaadlines that are pretty funny i guess:

  “”"is there a ring of debris around uranus?
  bankrupt association termed in poor shape
  juvenile court to try shooting defendant
  air head fired
  red tape holds up new bridge
  war dims hope for peace
  survivor of siamese twins joins parents
  economist uses theory to explain economy
  march planned for next august
  alcohol ads promote drinking
  blind bishop appointed to see
  lawyer says client is not that guilty
  psychics predict world didn’t end yesterday
  lingerie shipment hijacked; thief gives police the slip
  nj judge to rule on nude beach
  antique stripper to display wares at store
  soap and water still cleans well
  two cars were reported stolen by the groveton police yesterday.
  shot off woman’s leg helps nicklaus to 66
  children’s stool great for use in garden
  dirty air cities far deadlier than clean ones
  la voters approve urban renewal by landslide
  man run over by freight train dies
  man shoots neighbor with machete
  nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
  bible church’s focus is the bible
  fund set up for beating victim’s kin
  lack of brains hinders research
  iraqi head seeks arms
  sun or rain expected today, dark tonight
  chou remains cremated
  fish lurk in streams
  free advice: bundly up when out in cold
  stolen painting found by tree
  chinese apeman dated
  clinton apologizes to syphillis victims
  smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
  gas cloud clears out taco bell
  irish peat bog rocked by great sheep explosion
  man is fatally slain
  how we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem
  wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
  ‘light’ meals are lower in fat, calories
  sex education delayed, teachers request training
  women’s movement called more broad-based
  kicking baby considered to be healthy
  marijuana issue sent to joint committee
  lawyers give poor free legal advice
  hershey bars protest
  food is basic to student diet
  husband bites wife’s ‘thing’
  man jumps off 2nd street bridge, neither jumper nor body was found
  lung cancer in women mushrooms
  some pieces of rock hudson sold at auction
  low wages said key to poverty
  dravecky to lose arm; the bulls pull it off
  damp patches discovered on sun
  thanks to president clinton, staff sgt. fruer now has a son
  man struck by lightning faces battery charge
  half of us high schools require some study for graduation
  enfield couple slain; police suspect homicide
  enraged cow injures farmer with ax
  teenage girls often have babies fathered by men
  statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25
  child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
  drunken drivers paid $1000 in ’84
  deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
  if strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last a while
  alzheimer’s center prepares for an affair to remember
  gators to face seminoles with peters out
  stadium air conditioning fails; fans protest
  cold wave linked to temperatures
  20-year friendship ends at altar
  kids make nutritious snacks
  nasa briefly loses contact with atlantis
  miners refuse to work after death
  police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
  12 on their way to cruise among dead in plane crash
  cancer society honors marlboro man
  killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
  5th-graders get to grill lions
  two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
  stud tires out
  blue skies unless it’s cloudy
  two soviet ships collide, one dies
  lung cancer in women mushrooms
  something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
  local high school dropouts cut in half”"

  

  “”we take ghoul care of you!
  grandmother of eight makes hole in one
  diaper market bottoms out
  mobile phone threat to universe
  two convicts evade noose, jury hung
  farmer bill dies in house
  hairdo kills mum
  new vaccine may contain rabies
  new housing for elderly not yet dead
  french minister ‘condoned police shooting of aliens’ guardian;
  soviet virgin lands short of goal again
  condom firm streches product line
  sadness is no. 1 reason men and women cry
  swedish jet hijacked by bread roll
  william kelly was fed secretary
  deer kill 130,000
  gas smell diverts flight, but it was just passengers pants
  patient at death’s door, doctors pull him through
  mexican leader crashes to earth
  latin course to be canceled; no interest among students, et al
  british left waffles on falkland islands
  deaf college opens doors to hearing
  giantkillers stretch town to the limit falmouth packet
  court rules that being a jerk is not a crime
  autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better
  steals clock, faces time
  squad helps dog bite victim
  blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years
  ferries must stay afloat in worst of storms, say safety engineers guardian
  fisherman arrested for using wife as shark bait
  explosion of professors at universities
  man eating piranha mistakenly sold as pet fish
  woman vanishes after she drops off kids
  milk drinkers are turning to powder
  yellow snow studied to test nutrition
  objections raised to quake aid for aliens
  plane too close to ground, crash probe told
  plenty do do here for local ‘tourists’
  tiger woods plays with own balls, nike says
  quarter of a million chinese live on water
  new tabloid ‘owned by god’
  old school pillars are replaced by alumni
  robber holds up albert’s hosiery
  ban on soliciting dead in trotwood
  armageddon could threaten united’s promotion push west cumbria news & star;
  prosecutor releases probe into undersheriff
  new missouri u. chancellor expects little sex
  white flower two day sale (friday only)
  chef throws his heart into helping feed needy
  stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
  lansing residents can drop off trees
  typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
  light turnout seen at iraqi polling station in md
  lawmen from mexico barbecue guests
  queen mary having bottom scraped
  hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
  man minus ear waives hearing
  eye drops off shelf
  2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
  neighbors said sniper not very neighborly
  boys cause as many pregnancies as girls
  man accused of excessively passing wind
  we will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
  circumcisions cause crybabies
  arson suspect is held in massachusetts fire
  house passes gas tax onto senate
  specialist: electric chair can be ‘extremely painful’
  toxic waste tour planned
  organ festival ends in smashing climax
  teacher strikes idle kids
  antique stripper to demonstrate wares at store
  hurt as students demand right to cheat canberra times;
  columnist gets urologist in trouble with his peers
  physicist recommends bigger balls to slow down male tennis players
  astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
  sneak attack by soviet bloc not foreseen
  yankees take a walk to tie store
  prostitutes appeal to pope
  check with doctors before getting sick
  never withhold herpes infection from loved one
  never withold herpes from loved one
  panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over
  dr ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
  complaints about nba referees growing ugly
  drunk gets nine months in violin case
  scientists note progress in herpes battle; ear plugs recommended
  crack found on governor’s daughter
  british union finds dwarves in short supply
  death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
  bank drive-in window blocked by board
  lack of water hurts ice fishing
  dealers will hear car talk at noon
  cookies with condoms fail family taste-test
  safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
  new study of obesity looks for larger test group
  include your children when baking cookies
  mayor says d.c. is safe except for murders”"

  end::the end of your world is closer than you think

  • 12:12 pm
  • 4 Comments